Chasm
12/28/2013
Still have your
wheelchair
But the other night
I found old syringes
&
Tossed them before
the tears could come
All your toys piled
high
On your siblings'
beds
Photos to flip
through on my phone and computer
A thousand little
memories of every thing you did
Videos of you and I
Back when I was the
luckiest mom in the world
(I envy that foolish
woman... She had it all and didn't even appreciate it enough! She should never
have slept without you tucked up beside her, never stepped away from you one
second to do anything, should have taken gazillions of photos!)
And I still recall
sometimes your gooey cheeks...
How they were chewy
like dough
There are a million
stars I could count
For all the reasons I
love and miss you
And not enough tears
to cry
To fill this hole...
These things you left behind for me are not enough
I don't know what to
do sometimes
Your absence sounds
louder than God's voice
Why does He whisper
so softly?
Ask Him to speak up
Ask Him to remind me
again how I didn't lose you because I was undeserving
How you weren't taken
because I failed to be sufficient
Tell Him I don't mean
half the
swears that pop up in
my head
Invasive, intrusive,
unfiltered...
Tell Him I don't hate
Him
I know He is big
enough to fill the chasm...
But there are days
when I feel
Even this colossal,
all powerful being
Isn't large enough to
fill the hole
My tiny, helpless son
left behind.
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The Cavity
By: Stephanie Josiah
12/28/2013
When something
changes
Something deep under
the skin
Removed from its home
The cavity remembers
Walking the hall
alone
Searching for the
missing organ
Is phantom limb
possible
For the heart - now
gone?
I grind my teeth in
my sleep
Nurse the morning
migraine
Fall dead asleep in
the A.M.
To rise undead by
noon
Because it was our
Peaceful late nights
Mother and son...
Cozied up
Your heart beating on
mine that made life magic
And I still remember
That now this isn't
the world I want
This body isn't the
same
I don't want a new
heart...
Just let it bleed.
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December 1, 2013
Such a difficult week has ended... The kids are very
emotional and crying about their brother, Ishypoo's, absence. I myself had an
episode on Thanksgiving... Crap sucks. Watching them cry out about their
brother, missing him day in and day out... Knowing that if I could, I would
have kept them from this kind of hurt... Knowing I've been powerless to stop
time, to stop death, to stop loss and pain.
But
We hug up, we cheer
up, we talk about Ishypoo... We talk to Ishypoo... And I even do his voice for
him (the one I always spoke for him so that we could all pretend to know his
thoughts - and I believe I guessed correctly sometimes)... And there are days
when they want me to do his voice and I wish I could just crumble into a ball
because I don't have the heart to hear myself be the voice he always had (since
it was my baby voice anyway)...
But
my kids are so worth
sucking it up and putting on my big girl mode. Do I cry? Hell yes I do! I have
nights where I'm so choked up I can't speak for fear of waking the sleeping
world.
Eyes raw, sinuses
throbbing... Head hurts and I pray-scream, "HOW UNFAIR IS THIS!!!? HE WAS
PERFECT! HE WAS OUR LITTLE GUY AND YOU TOOK HIM!!"
But
He was here BECAUSE
God put a pause on death. Because He said, "hold up death, you wait three
years... I know he suffered a brain bleed and should have died, but this family
wants to spend some time with him!" So while I'm crying and sorrowful and
angry... I'm also saying...
"but, God, thank
you for a day, and another... Then a week and another... Then a month... And
another... Then 365 days because you are good... Then another 365 days because
you are so amazingly awesome... Then another 365 days just because you
can!"
Even in our pain...
God is still GOOD! What am I thankful for? I am thankful for a God so enormous
that one day a year couldn't hold my gratitude. For a God who thought of me
before the foundations of the earth were created... For a day, for a week, for
a month, for a year, then another... Then another.... Then another. For 29
years of life I wouldn't trade with you if yours was perfect... For family and friends
that make it brighter and more loving here. For good memories and bad that will
forever shape who I am and what I stand for... For a purpose and passion in my
heart to not just live and breathe this air... But put it to good use and bless
others. I am thankful for pain because I feel it... Joy because I can't lose it
or have it stolen and for the clarity of mind to see God in even the smallest
details of life. I am truly thankful!
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November 24, 2013
Another beautiful night of worship! Special thanks to the
worship team, Chris Holmes, and our very own... Len Green (reppin' the
Green-Josiah squadron)
Tonight I found my
arms open wide, thanking God aloud for everything He has done, seen and unseen.
For the blessing of life for our son... For an hour, for a day, for a week, for
a month, then a year, then another and another. One year with our son because
you are our Abba Father, one more year with our son because you are Lord and
you have the final say, one more year because you are three persons in one,
loving us and protecting us as Father, walking with us and setting examples as
Brother, and leading us as we trust as Spirit and Dearest Friend... And three
and a half more months to drive home the point that you are just plain GOOD! I
will not keep my tongue silent anymore when I should be thanking you for so
much more than even this!!! I love you Dad!
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November 20, 2013
Just finished reading "The Shack" by Wm. Paul
Young.
I struggled
originally, because Mom encouraged me to read it a while back. Reading a book
about a man who wrestles with losing a young child (struck home too painfully)
was a difficult read. But tonight I read the second half of the book.
I realized, though I
love God so much, that I was accusing Him of maybe not loving me or my Ishypoo
so much. Absurd as that seems... But I thought that if He could heal anyone,
how much easier would it be for Him to heal the son of two parents that believe
Him for anything and that He can do anything? I thought about the nights I
stayed up praying and begging for Ishypoo's healing and how sure I was that He
could do it and would do it.
But I realize that
bad things happen because the world is fallen. The earth, she is sick and her
sickness affects her inhabitants in various ways.
The attack on my sons
was due to that illness, not because God planned it or allowed it.
And the good He
worked through that was we got three plus years of borrowed time! Ask the
medical examiner... Our Ishypoo died of a brain hemorrhage while in utero. His
ailments while he lived stemmed from an attack that SHOULD have killed him
instantly, due to TTTS which could have killed both boys.
His survival was a
logic-busting anomaly! Our borrowed time a precious gift. He was destined to
die in my womb but we got an extension so he could teach us something about
God.
God makes no
mistakes, He is good, gives us more than we could want or deserve and we could
never imagine the great plans He has for us.
A broken boy with a
full heart can teach us a lesson, even through pain. I would press against the
walls of my understanding and scream, "make this right, Lord! You robbed
me!!!"
And He would reply,
"I am good, I didn't rob you at all... Because of me, you met your son
before he would come and join me. And because of me, I made a way for you to
let others know that I am real and I am good and I would never rob them".
God loves me
especially and He loves you especially too
Do you believe that
today?
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November 14, 2013
The greatest insult one can inflict is from the self.
Do not repeat the
garbage to yourself that others have said about you and if you cannot help but
to play and replay those putrid tapes.... Then drown them in words of
affirmation. Pen and paper will do... Make a list every day of your blessings
and the good things about you and the good people in your life. Every day a new
list until the world cannot make enough pen or paper to meet the need. Until all
the memory cards and hard drives are full... Until all the world is buried in
scribbled on toilet paper! But you make that list of who you REALLY ARE! And I
will do the same! I am tired of being my own worst enemy and tired of letting
Satan play old tapes. I will bury this world in letters, books, cruzer disks,
and scribbled toilet tissues of reasons why I am God's child, His loved one,
His thoughts are for me and He loves me... I will start with all He did for me
before I was even conceived and how He planned the lineage of my ancestors down
to a science... To fashion me just so!
I am tired of being
bullied by words, old and new! God uses me to speak words of life... And my
enemy tries to swallow me in words of death.
I'm making lists like
santa... I'm checking them twice! I am loved, I am His, and I know God will
crush the tongue of my accuser!!!
List and count your
blessings and don't you dare skip one!
<3 Steph
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October 25, 2013
Woke up after having a dream that I went to visit my son,
Ishmael Jr. When I got there, I thought I heard him from a distance. Two little
boys were running around a hallway of white door frames, all open space leading
to the same continuation of nature background.
I asked myself,
"how can I tell them apart?" Their backs were turned as they played
peek-a-boo tag in and out of the doors, through and around the door frames in
circles... Even despite the stirrings of a group of little girls running by
with flowers.
I get closer, noticing
how both boys are equally strong, both have curly hair, and both could pass for
age ten. Closer still, they haven't slowed down enough for me to catch their
faces. All I know is that my son might be one of two of the fastest kids in
this floral-halled field...
I turn to people
beside me, they are paying attention to me (I guess they sensed I was just
passing through) and I showed them a picture of my son and said, "have you
seen him?" And they pointed to one of the boys. I held up the picture of
my fragile son, next to the game of tag that was ahead of me and I smiled. He
isn't fragile anymore, he is perhaps ten now and he is certainly living it up,
running and playing, stalking and pouncing... He has so much bottled up energy
that they take him to an endless field to run some of that off LOL. No more
wheel chairs, no more medicines, seizures, or doctors... Just 100% wild child
boy.
And before I could
reach him, his siblings wake me up.
Then I'm back to this
side of Heaven. It isn't easy having a major part of your heart elsewhere...
But that visit was awesome and I hope I get to peek in again!
<3 u Ishypoo! Don't slow
down, keep them on their toes! Your spirit had to slow down enough when you
were visiting with us.
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