Some New !nk Baby Poems and other writings from 2013

Chasm

12/28/2013

 

Still have your wheelchair
But the other night
I found old syringes &
Tossed them before the tears could come

All your toys piled high

On your siblings' beds
Photos to flip through on my phone and computer
A thousand little memories of every thing you did

Videos of you and I

Back when I was the luckiest mom in the world
(I envy that foolish woman... She had it all and didn't even appreciate it enough! She should never have slept without you tucked up beside her, never stepped away from you one second to do anything, should have taken gazillions of photos!)

And I still recall sometimes your gooey cheeks...

How they were chewy like dough
There are a million stars I could count
For all the reasons I love and miss you
And not enough tears to cry

To fill this hole... These things you left behind for me are not enough

I don't know what to do sometimes
Your absence sounds louder than God's voice
Why does He whisper so softly?
Ask Him to speak up

Ask Him to remind me again how I didn't lose you because I was undeserving

How you weren't taken because I failed to be sufficient
Tell Him I don't mean half the
swears that pop up in my head
Invasive, intrusive, unfiltered...

Tell Him I don't hate Him

I know He is big enough to fill the chasm...
But there are days when I feel
Even this colossal, all powerful being
Isn't large enough to fill the hole
My tiny, helpless son left behind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

 The Cavity

 By: Stephanie Josiah 12/28/2013

 When something changes

 Something deep under the skin

 Removed from its home

 The cavity remembers

 Walking the hall alone

 Searching for the missing organ

 Is phantom limb possible

 For the heart - now gone?

 I grind my teeth in my sleep

 Nurse the morning migraine

 Fall dead asleep in the A.M.

 To rise undead by noon

 Because it was our

 Peaceful late nights

 Mother and son... Cozied up

 Your heart beating on mine that made life magic

 And I still remember

 That now this isn't the world I want

 This body isn't the same

 I don't want a new heart...

 Just let it bleed.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

December 1, 2013

Such a difficult week has ended... The kids are very emotional and crying about their brother, Ishypoo's, absence. I myself had an episode on Thanksgiving... Crap sucks. Watching them cry out about their brother, missing him day in and day out... Knowing that if I could, I would have kept them from this kind of hurt... Knowing I've been powerless to stop time, to stop death, to stop loss and pain.

But

We hug up, we cheer up, we talk about Ishypoo... We talk to Ishypoo... And I even do his voice for him (the one I always spoke for him so that we could all pretend to know his thoughts - and I believe I guessed correctly sometimes)... And there are days when they want me to do his voice and I wish I could just crumble into a ball because I don't have the heart to hear myself be the voice he always had (since it was my baby voice anyway)...

 But

 my kids are so worth sucking it up and putting on my big girl mode. Do I cry? Hell yes I do! I have nights where I'm so choked up I can't speak for fear of waking the sleeping world.

 Eyes raw, sinuses throbbing... Head hurts and I pray-scream, "HOW UNFAIR IS THIS!!!? HE WAS PERFECT! HE WAS OUR LITTLE GUY AND YOU TOOK HIM!!"

 But

 He was here BECAUSE God put a pause on death. Because He said, "hold up death, you wait three years... I know he suffered a brain bleed and should have died, but this family wants to spend some time with him!" So while I'm crying and sorrowful and angry... I'm also saying...

 "but, God, thank you for a day, and another... Then a week and another... Then a month... And another... Then 365 days because you are good... Then another 365 days because you are so amazingly awesome... Then another 365 days just because you can!"

 Even in our pain... God is still GOOD! What am I thankful for? I am thankful for a God so enormous that one day a year couldn't hold my gratitude. For a God who thought of me before the foundations of the earth were created... For a day, for a week, for a month, for a year, then another... Then another.... Then another. For 29 years of life I wouldn't trade with you if yours was perfect... For family and friends that make it brighter and more loving here. For good memories and bad that will forever shape who I am and what I stand for... For a purpose and passion in my heart to not just live and breathe this air... But put it to good use and bless others. I am thankful for pain because I feel it... Joy because I can't lose it or have it stolen and for the clarity of mind to see God in even the smallest details of life. I am truly thankful!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

November 24, 2013

Another beautiful night of worship! Special thanks to the worship team, Chris Holmes, and our very own... Len Green (reppin' the Green-Josiah squadron)

Tonight I found my arms open wide, thanking God aloud for everything He has done, seen and unseen. For the blessing of life for our son... For an hour, for a day, for a week, for a month, then a year, then another and another. One year with our son because you are our Abba Father, one more year with our son because you are Lord and you have the final say, one more year because you are three persons in one, loving us and protecting us as Father, walking with us and setting examples as Brother, and leading us as we trust as Spirit and Dearest Friend... And three and a half more months to drive home the point that you are just plain GOOD! I will not keep my tongue silent anymore when I should be thanking you for so much more than even this!!! I love you Dad!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 November 20, 2013

 

 Just finished reading "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young.

 I struggled originally, because Mom encouraged me to read it a while back. Reading a book about a man who wrestles with losing a young child (struck home too painfully) was a difficult read. But tonight I read the second half of the book.

 I realized, though I love God so much, that I was accusing Him of maybe not loving me or my Ishypoo so much. Absurd as that seems... But I thought that if He could heal anyone, how much easier would it be for Him to heal the son of two parents that believe Him for anything and that He can do anything? I thought about the nights I stayed up praying and begging for Ishypoo's healing and how sure I was that He could do it and would do it.

 But I realize that bad things happen because the world is fallen. The earth, she is sick and her sickness affects her inhabitants in various ways.

 The attack on my sons was due to that illness, not because God planned it or allowed it.

 And the good He worked through that was we got three plus years of borrowed time! Ask the medical examiner... Our Ishypoo died of a brain hemorrhage while in utero. His ailments while he lived stemmed from an attack that SHOULD have killed him instantly, due to TTTS which could have killed both boys.

 His survival was a logic-busting anomaly! Our borrowed time a precious gift. He was destined to die in my womb but we got an extension so he could teach us something about God.

 God makes no mistakes, He is good, gives us more than we could want or deserve and we could never imagine the great plans He has for us.

 A broken boy with a full heart can teach us a lesson, even through pain. I would press against the walls of my understanding and scream, "make this right, Lord! You robbed me!!!"

 And He would reply, "I am good, I didn't rob you at all... Because of me, you met your son before he would come and join me. And because of me, I made a way for you to let others know that I am real and I am good and I would never rob them".

 God loves me especially and He loves you especially too

 Do you believe that today?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

 

November 14, 2013

 

The greatest insult one can inflict is from the self.

 Do not repeat the garbage to yourself that others have said about you and if you cannot help but to play and replay those putrid tapes.... Then drown them in words of affirmation. Pen and paper will do... Make a list every day of your blessings and the good things about you and the good people in your life. Every day a new list until the world cannot make enough pen or paper to meet the need. Until all the memory cards and hard drives are full... Until all the world is buried in scribbled on toilet paper! But you make that list of who you REALLY ARE! And I will do the same! I am tired of being my own worst enemy and tired of letting Satan play old tapes. I will bury this world in letters, books, cruzer disks, and scribbled toilet tissues of reasons why I am God's child, His loved one, His thoughts are for me and He loves me... I will start with all He did for me before I was even conceived and how He planned the lineage of my ancestors down to a science... To fashion me just so!

 I am tired of being bullied by words, old and new! God uses me to speak words of life... And my enemy tries to swallow me in words of death.

 I'm making lists like santa... I'm checking them twice! I am loved, I am His, and I know God will crush the tongue of my accuser!!!

 List and count your blessings and don't you dare skip one!

 <3 Steph

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

October 25, 2013

 

Woke up after having a dream that I went to visit my son, Ishmael Jr. When I got there, I thought I heard him from a distance. Two little boys were running around a hallway of white door frames, all open space leading to the same continuation of nature background.

 I asked myself, "how can I tell them apart?" Their backs were turned as they played peek-a-boo tag in and out of the doors, through and around the door frames in circles... Even despite the stirrings of a group of little girls running by with flowers.

 I get closer, noticing how both boys are equally strong, both have curly hair, and both could pass for age ten. Closer still, they haven't slowed down enough for me to catch their faces. All I know is that my son might be one of two of the fastest kids in this floral-halled field...

 I turn to people beside me, they are paying attention to me (I guess they sensed I was just passing through) and I showed them a picture of my son and said, "have you seen him?" And they pointed to one of the boys. I held up the picture of my fragile son, next to the game of tag that was ahead of me and I smiled. He isn't fragile anymore, he is perhaps ten now and he is certainly living it up, running and playing, stalking and pouncing... He has so much bottled up energy that they take him to an endless field to run some of that off LOL. No more wheel chairs, no more medicines, seizures, or doctors... Just 100% wild child boy.

 And before I could reach him, his siblings wake me up.

Then I'm back to this side of Heaven. It isn't easy having a major part of your heart elsewhere... But that visit was awesome and I hope I get to peek in again!

<3 u Ishypoo! Don't slow down, keep them on their toes! Your spirit had to slow down enough when you were visiting with us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~